This is the way: Emotional touchstones and the stories we tell ourselves

By Mark Jones

There’s a reason I keep going back to San Francisco.

I lived there for three years, our daughter was born there, and friends remain. But they’re just the obvious reasons why the city matters to me. Just like the old song, I kinda left my heart in San Francisco. But even that doesn’t do this strange feeling justice.

Then last month I visited SF and it dawned on me. Some 22 years after I left, I discovered words for the sensation of being drawn to something, it’s an emotional touchstone.

How curious! For me, SF is a place that helps me recalibrate, reconnect, and help process who I’m becoming. Just being there, feeling the place, is so good!

For others, an emotional touchstone could be an event, object, song, movie, book or creating artworks. What’s yours?

I ask because right now is a good time to think about it.

Think about the change we’re experiencing at scale and impossible speed. Geopolitics, AI-driven disruption, social upheaval. We humans love certainty and control, yet the world around us is dominated by so many things outside our control.

Let me illustrate briefly from my trip because a few friends and family asked me: what’s real life in the US like today?

Well, I’ve got a simple word for how it felt: weird.

It felt like watching someone you care about changing in unexpected ways, holding onto the good you know is there, but struggling to understand what they’re becoming.

I spoke to Uber drivers, hotel valets, tech professionals, and friends across California. On the surface, everything appeared fine. People smiled. Ordered coffee. Went about their lives. But underneath? Weariness. Denial. Disillusionment.

One house I saw flew their iconic flag upside down, a symbol of distress.

Then there was the US Army veteran I met on a shuttle platform at Las Vegas airport. Just the two of us waiting for a train. Within minutes, we were laughing, chatting about life and the weirdness of the world.

I discovered he was planning to move to Colombia, not for the culture, but because his Veteran’s pension couldn’t cover life in the States anymore: “My wife and I are thinking we need to make plans.”

Responding to triggers

An emotional touchstone comes into its own when we’re triggered by big events, or in this case, an avalanche of them.

Unlike unhealthy forms of comfort-seeking (alcohol, drugs, watching MAFS), an emotional touchstone can quickly ground you in a sense of what’s real and true for you. Think of it as a truth-teller.

Sounds a bit woo-woo? Possibly.

But I’ll tell you what, it also works. And there’s a way of taking an emotional touchstone and giving it a twist that takes away the wiredness. In fact, you can even dare to make it funny.

Another story. You see, it turns out I have another emotional touchstone that doesn’t require me spending lots of time in a flying bus.

It’s called Star Wars. You might have heard of it. Turns out I’m a little bit tragically happy watching anything Star Wars. We’re all just kids who grew up, and in my case, pew-pew movies and light sabres never get old.

My colleagues, friends, and even my wife, enjoy the simplicity and geekiness of my man child enjoyment of George Lucas’ space-themed cowboy universe.

In fact, I was recently given an amusing t-shirt for my birthday (thanks Paula) and it’s risen to the lofty rank of Favourite T-shirt.

For all you non-fans here’s what I think the shirt means. Our hero, Luke Skywalker, couldn’t wait to get off his home planet Tatooine and become a fighter pilot across the galaxy.

Summer Camp (an American tradition) on Tatooine with its two suns and endless deserts would definitely not be fun for him.

A nice twist that’s right up my alley. And happily for me, one bloke saw me wearing it in Los Angeles airport on my way home: “Hey man! Love your shirt!”

He got the inside joke and I made him smile. A little glimmer of fun in the middle of a hectic environment.

What’s your emotional touchstone?

The good news is you’ve probably already got one or two things that make you happy. Digging in the garden. Telling your kids terrible jokes. Marvelling at the spectacle of Farmer Wants a Wife (but obviously, the wife doesn’t want a farm).

So what’s yours?

Sure, it’s just one piece of the healthy puzzle: eat well, sleep lots, exercise. But there’s a bigger picture going on here that really matters.

You see, I recently submitted the first draft of my forthcoming book, Flip the Script, to my editor. I’ve been digging deep into this idea that we can rewrite the stories we tell ourselves.

That odd, quirky, geeky emotional touchstone doesn’t have to be a source of guilt or shame. In fact, my book talks about the fact that the opposite is likely true. Experience has taught me that the strange appeal of emotional touchstones helps:

• Bring clarity to your professional and personal life

• Break through the confusion we experience amid chaos

• Build resilience for times when you really need it

How? Well, part of the answer is found in the calming, grounding impact of reflecting on something you understand and control. You get the jokes. The narrative makes sense.

Then there’s a delightful twist - if it makes you feel better, there’s a good chance it makes life just a bit better for others. Sharing your stories, curious t-shirts or movie one-liners has a bigger impact that you might imagine.

Winston Churchill apparently said, “If you can make someone laugh, you give them a little vacation.” Summer Camp in the US, anyone?

Onwards,

Mark